


Not Fucking Likely

by pearlydewdrop



Series: Maybe It's The Crazy I Like [2]
Category: Derry Girls (TV)
Genre: ...because what else would she do??, Also James is such a Whovian (Doctor Who fan) and we love him for it!, Bad Jokes, Banter, Brother-Sister Relationships, Cousins, Doctor Who Feels, Doctor Who References, Epic Friendship, Family Bonding, Family Dynamics, Family Feels, Found Family, Gen, James is a lovesick puppy for Erin, Michelle takes the piss!!, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Sickfic, T rating is mainly because of Michelle's mouth, Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Tough Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-05 22:34:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,330
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25672885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pearlydewdrop/pseuds/pearlydewdrop
Summary: "Don't get yourself arrested or anything", James warned. "I don't fancy explaining that to Aunt Deirdre ."Michelle rolled her eyes, shutting the door with a loud slam. "Without my wolf pack?", she shouted from the hallway, loud enough for James (and probably their neighbours!) to hear. "Not fuckin' likely!"(Post Season 2, James and Michelle bickering like the iconic first cousins they are.)Rated T for Michelle being...well, Michelle.
Relationships: (mentioned) - Relationship, James Maguire & Michelle Mallon, James Maguire/Erin Quinn, Michelle Mallon/Original Male Character
Series: Maybe It's The Crazy I Like [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2032138
Comments: 8
Kudos: 125





	Not Fucking Likely

**Not Fucking Likely.**

_**1996**_

Feeling rather wimpy, James Maguire groaned and sank further into the couch. Ever since arriving home from school, he'd been sick...annoyingly so.

Shivering beneath his blankets, he tried to ignore the throbbing in his head, forcing himself to focus on the television instead of his own misery. The opening credits of Doctor Who rolled with the iconic blue telephone box spiralling into a vortex. The face of Tom Baker, the fourth Doctor, appeared on screen and the unmistakable theme tune filled the living room, engulfing James like a warm hug from his early childhood.

Suddenly the door swung open, breaking his nostalgic train of thought.

"Christ, someone's dyin'! Time to draft the fuckin' will!"

Scowling at Michelle's unexpected outburst, James glanced up at his smirking cousin. Before he could get in a word edgeways, he was hit by yet another cold flash that sent his teeth chattering wildly and made his body instantly feel like ice.

"Piss off, Michelle! I'm fine"

In response Michelle unceremoniously plopped down on the couch beside him, looking almost sympathetic. She glanced between James and the telly, undoubtedly torn between voicing her grudging concern for him and taking a snarky jab at his sweaty sickly appearance. Snatching the remote control from his grasp, Michelle paused the tape. 

"Catch yourself on, Jamesie. You look like shite."

James rolled his eyes, tugging his blankets up to his chin before his body promptly descended into a horrible coughing fit as though to prove her point.

Michelle pounded him on the back, her actions unmistakably well meaning despite being a little rough. One would have never thought her the offspring of two health care professionals, but there you go. That being said however, James had a sneaking suspicions that his Uncle Martin had joined the paramedics for the privilege of driving over the speed limit rather than actually helping people.

"Oi, James. Breathe will, ya? Feckin' eejit... "

The coughing finally subsided, James slumped against the back of the couch.

When he opened his eyes once more, he noticed for the first time that Michelle was all dressed up.

"Don't you have a date tonight?", he reminded hoarsely, choking out another (more brief) cough. "Sean Ryan, massive ride or something?"

It would have been impossible for James to forget, especially since Michelle had gone on and on like a broken record about her latest lamb for the slaughter.

For days they hadn't heard about much else! Even the week before when their whole year group been dragged to a bizarre religious retreat to view some long dead saint's remaining pinkie finger, Michelle had made several rather crude comments about what exactly her new beau's fingers could do.

She chuckled in response, grinning like a cat who captured the canary at the mention the boy she had coined as 'one of Derry's finest fellas'.

"Yeah, but mam'll kill me if she comes home and you're keeled over, wankin' off to some fella in a telephone box."

James huffed, downright aghast. "I'm not wanking off to anything! Doctor Who is a beloved childhood TV show."

"Explains why you're so fucked up!"

"Love you too, Michelle", he bit back sarcastically, sniffing as his nose started to run. He grabbed the box of tissues off the coffee table, pointedly ignoring his cousin's victorious grin as she eased herself up off the couch. 

"Damn right you do, dicko."

At such a response, James could scarcely do little more than roll his eyes. Michelle had always been determined to have the last word in an argument...no questions asked. Even as little kids, when James and his mother had made their annual trip to Derry, the two cousins' dynamic had been much the same.

Michelle smirked triumphantly at James's silence, reaching into the pocket of her black bomber jacket. She pulled out a blister packet of medicine and chugged it directly at his head.

"Right well, here's some paracetamol. Take two every four hours, it'll fuck with your liver otherwise."

James smiled slightly at the gesture, nodding to his cousin who was already halfway out the door. "Thanks", he mumbled in return, his gratitude genuine.

"I rang Erin too. Her Ma said she'll be 'round in half an hour."

James frowned at the mention of his girlfriend. While he always loved Erin's company, he was sure that she (and her Ma, for that matter!) wouldn't be too happy with him if the whole Quinn-McCool household came down with the cold.

"I don't want to get Erin sick."

"Well tough luck, bucko. Whatever dose you've got, she has it already...saliva transfer or some other disgustin' crap."

James face reddened at Michelle's words, a reaction he tried to mask with an eye roll. After months of dancing around one another and weeks of trying to hide the truth from the rest of the gang, he and Erin were finally together and the two had been rather... _enthusiastic_ about their growing relationship ever since.

The thought made a surge of warmth rush through Jame's body that had absolutely nothing to do with his fever. His heart swelled at the thought of his girlfriend's dramatic tangents, her colourful flustered mannerisms, her kisses and the feeling of her hand in his.

Still thinking of Erin and the last time he'd seen her, James struggled to suppress a dopey lovesick smile and tried for the life of him to sound annoyed.

"Have you considered a career in medicine?", he replied jokingly, turning his attention back to his cousin.

Michelle snorted in amusement. "Well, isn't this the last time I try to do anything nice for you. Here am I givin' you and Erin the whole house to yourselves while Mam and Da are out and only gettin' insulted for it."

Shaking his head, James threw his eyes up to heaven.

"I'm sick, Michelle!", he responded, immediately regretting his choice of words.

After all, Michelle Mallon could turn the most innocent of phrases into sexual innuendos. He winced, preparing himself for the mortification of whatever she was going to say next.

"Damn right ya're. Tryin' to get in our friend's knickers. Bloody mingin' it is."

There she goes! James groaned, having truly hoped Michelle wouldn't go there! While he would grudgingly tolerate her half teasing/half criticising him for just about anything, his relationship with Erin was off the table.

"Goodnight, Michelle."

"A bit touchy, are we?", she replied in a sing-song fashion, her eyes glinting in jest. "Guess I forgot ye're the most frigid couple in the history of Derry, aye?"

"Goodnight, Michelle!", James repeated, firmer this time. Despite his best efforts, his face was positively on fire. 

She smirked, clearly rather happy with herself for pestering him so effectively.

Reaching across James for the remote control, she hit the play button on the VCR before returning it to him. Michelle smiled fondly (or at least as fondly as she was capable of!), heading for the door as the Doctor Who theme reached its end.

"Righto, I'm off...aaand uhh-look after yourself, I s'ppose ."

Despite his prior annoyance, James's frown softened almost immediately.

Frequent clashes in personality aside, he and Michelle truly did give a shit about one another's wellbeing. The day she'd talked him out of returning to London with his mam had been a testament to that.

Differences aside, they were, first and foremost, family.

"You too. Don't get yourself arrested or anything. I don't fancy explaining that to Aunt Deirdre ."

Michelle rolled her eyes, shutting the door with a loud slam. "Without my wolf pack?", she shouted from the hallway, loud enough for James (not to mention their neighbours!) to hear. "Not fuckin' likely!"

* * *

**Review? I'd love to hear from you!!**

**I'm never really sure how to write Michelle, especially when it comes to where to draw the line with her brashy dialogue. Was this too much/not enough?**

**Nonetheless, I hope you enjoyed this :) Have a great day and a lovely weekend!!**


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